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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It irritates my close ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.